new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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