I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
