If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
