I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
