then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
