i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
