College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
now i know why i became what i already was.
My pussy is not your playground.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You've changed since you got that strap on
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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