So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
