U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
