I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
