Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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