Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
