Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
