I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
