did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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