Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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