i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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