i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
