you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When did angry sex become our thing?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
