It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
