accomplished twins. life is a go
operation harelip BJ is a go
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He passed out mid-signature
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
