He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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