I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize