I am in a vortex of obligation.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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