I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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