you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
