morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
