I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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