i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
