My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
