I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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