Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
