And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
