You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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