I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
