I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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