nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
