Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
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