just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
