My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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