Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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