My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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