walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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