just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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