we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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