i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
