Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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