Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
