Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
