Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize
