Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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