so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
