Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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