Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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