Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Of course I have a pirate flag
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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