Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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