I hate your face
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
