The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
