youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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